Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
