Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
