1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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