i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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