youre lurking in front of me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
