im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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