Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
