My first STD was from a foam party
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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