only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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