Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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