I just cut my nipple shaving
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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