she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
