Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
