an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
