Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
