I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
