fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
try to milk me bitch
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