he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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