my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
