She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
