My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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