Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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