My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she told me i tasted like america
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
