Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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