I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize