I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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