Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have feelings that need drinking.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
