wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
