You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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