Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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