Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There r osticjed everywhere
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
