how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
