I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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