Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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