Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
