she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
