Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize