My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
