There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
