Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
