how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
