So gin and wine won't be happening again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
