your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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