How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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