but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
