He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
tell me about the eggs
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
