at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's no shave November. This is our time.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
