Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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