You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
