ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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