Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize