I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
