Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
