that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
