there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
no, he came in my armpit
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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