I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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