Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
